"Thinking about actually updating my blog. Will be hardest post ever. Feb has been a terrible month."
So, with that, I dread the words to follow. I dread what they will say, and I dread the effort and pain in writing them. But, I know that if I want to keep moving forward I have to flush out the garbage within and around me and put the past behind me.
From you, the reader (and friend), I ask (once again) for grace and forgiveness. But, I also ask for support. For encouragement. For accountability. For those of you who are willing, thank you!
Now, let the therapy session begin...
Not too many months ago I was hovering around 350 pounds. Do you know what it takes to get to 350 pounds? Do you ever watch Biggest Loser? I've lost count at the number of times I watched that show and seen myself as they tell the story of how the contestants got to where they are.
To talk about what gets someone to 350 pounds is disgraceful and in many cases downright disgusting. But, I've been there before. And for the last month or so, I've been there again. And I'm not proud of it.
The last week in January (29th) I was at my lowest weight that I can remember, 281. But, it was that very same day that I tweeted "Rebelled against myself today and hoping it is out of my system. Just beyond annoyed and frustrated."
Unfortunately, it wasn't out of my system. It had only just begun. I'll spare the details but last Friday (Feb 26th) I was 295.5.
So, what happened? In some ways I honestly don't know. That drives my left-brained self crazy. But, I think I can identify some things that set the stage for it to happen.
Disney World 1/2 Marathon - What a high! But, as many of you know, many times a post race low is right around the corner. Couple that with the normal post-Disney blues and you have a double shot downer.
Stress - First read my post from August 14, 2009. That same tension returned in late January. Work has been a huge source of stress lately. So much so that I'm having to seriously think about my future with the company. The sad part is that for the most part management at work couldn't care less about the stress many of us feel or the physical effects from it. At least that's the message they are sending. There are some other stress sources that I won't go into here but, all combined, I have been in a lot of physical discomfort over the last month.
Running Progress - This one is one of those perceived issues. While the actual numbers show some progress, I don't feel like I'm making any progress at all. When you put effort into something, you expect to see results. I guess I haven't seen the results I was expecting (what ever those are).
Running Issues - Before the WDW 1/2, in November I developed a pain in my left foot. I still don't know what it was but just as mysteriously as it started, it went away. That issue has not returned, but two others have now replaced it. On almost every run my left foot will go numb and/or get really tight. I have tried everything I can think of and seem to get good results to only return the next run. But, the bigger issue is my right hip. It's not so much a pain issue as it is a worry issue. I'm usually fine until around 2 miles then my right hip will start to bother me. The pain is fairly dull, but it's in a place that makes me doubt what I can do.
Weight - This is where the cycle manifests itself. All of the things above have lead to poor eating and poor exercise, which of course leads to no weight loss, or worse, weight gain. That weight gain just feeds the stress, which feeds....you get the idea.
Food - Earlier I asked what it takes to become 350 pounds. Lots of food. Lots of bad food. There are times when I turn to food for "comfort". Yet, almost at the same time, I turn to food almost in a way to punish myself. To the point to being physically miserable and almost sick. Eventually, the old habits return and become habits again.
God - I am a Christian...a believer. But, there are times when I doubt that that is true. I don't so much doubt that God is who He says He is, but I doubt that I truly believe what I say I believe. How else can I explain my issues with my weight, food etc? When I start to doubt my relationship with God, is there really anything else that matters?
I'm sure I could keep adding to this list, but this will do for now. The question now is what to do about it?
Believe. Decide. Act.
Believe - Believe that I am worth fighting for! Everything we do is done according to how and what we believe. If I believe that I'm worthless and not worth fighting for, then what will I do but fall into bad habits that do nothing but destroy myself. Not only must I believe that I am worth fighting for, I must also believe that I can (and will) win the fight. I must believe in myself. "What you believe, you can achieve"
Decide - Believing is not enough. I still have to make the correct decisions. Every time I eat I have a choice to make. Do I choose to go with what I think I "want" or do I choose what I need. I must decide to do what is best for me.
Act - Finally, I must act on the correct decision. It is so easy to "decide" to just get the small fry, but then "up size" when asked "would you like to up size that for only $.50 more?". Act also has several positive relatives...action, active. I must take the correct action to keep moving forward, but being active is the only way to get there.
So, what's next. Well, I am registered for the Country Music 1/2 in April but, I think I want to take somewhat of a mental break and focus on a local 10k on Memorial Day. After that, I have the WDW Wine & Dine 1/2 in October and of course the Dopey in 2011.
Deep down I know (i think) I will be fine. I've been here before, and got through it. But, I've also fallen back as well. Last night, I got in my first run in almost 3 weeks. It wasn't anything special, but it is a step in the right direction.
If you are still reading... I'm sorry ;-) ! But, thank you! THANK YOU!!
Till Next Time...Keep Moving Forward!!!