"I'm not dead yet!"

(peeks his head out from behind the wall to check if anyone is looking....)

This is easily the hardest post I've made to date. It's hard to explain and most of what I write will not be a surprise to most of you, so let's get on with business.

I don't think there is a single one of you that thinks that I have "maintained" my weight during my blogging silence. Why else would I not blog? So, it is with much shame, humiliation and embarrassment that I came to you today at 342.5 pounds. Yep, I'm all the way back to where I started and I owe an apology to everyone, especially those that have given to the Trideum Foundation. I'm truly sorry.

I realize this is starting to sound like a eulogy, but in reality, I want this to be just the opposite. I want this to be the re-birth of me.

I could go on and on with lists of reasons and even "excuses". But, I'm not sure I truly understand what has happened to me over the last 6 months (and that kinda scares me). There is not one thing I can put my finger on to answer why I've gone so far backwards. I could say it is learning that we are expecting. And while I do believe that has played a factor (along with some other things that came with it), it came along after the slide started.

As I said in my last post, I've been experiencing more of those "painful" moments, both physically and emotionally, that come with being my size. One of the most painful moments happened this last Saturday night while at my sister's house.

It all started with a Wii....Wii Fit that is. The Wii Balance Board has a posted weight limit of 330 pounds, but that didn't stop me from buying one Saturday (it actually serves as additional motivation now). But I did find out that I could sit on the board and play some of the games (and many of the games are MUCH easier sitting down).

My sister has had Wii Fit since it came out over a month ago and her husband and kids all take their turn. The thought of watching my BIL do the Warrior Yoga pose was too much to pass up so we went over to their house to Wii. Everyone had their turn and the kids were put to bed. I mentioned that I could do some of the games sitting down, so I proceeded to set all kinds of high scores (I said it was easier sitting down...except for Ski Jumping). While I was playing one of the games, one of the kids came into the room and started asking why I was sitting on the board. That was awkward enough, but it was his "he's going to destroy it" comment that stung.

It has been 15-20 years since I have verbally heard a comment like that (not that it hasn't been said, but I didn't hear it). Looking back, I've been amazed at the effort I have put into sheltering myself from "pain" (like not posting on this blog).

I hesitate to say much about what I hope to do in the coming days and weeks. Not that I don't plan to do anything. Just the opposite, I want to get back to where I was and continue to my goals. But, too many times have I talked without action. I talked about what I "will" do or want to do. I want to talk about what I HAVE done.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I just couldn't go any longer with this on my heart.

Till Next Time.... it's time to get MOVING FORWARD!!!