"I'm not dead yet!"

(peeks his head out from behind the wall to check if anyone is looking....)

This is easily the hardest post I've made to date. It's hard to explain and most of what I write will not be a surprise to most of you, so let's get on with business.

I don't think there is a single one of you that thinks that I have "maintained" my weight during my blogging silence. Why else would I not blog? So, it is with much shame, humiliation and embarrassment that I came to you today at 342.5 pounds. Yep, I'm all the way back to where I started and I owe an apology to everyone, especially those that have given to the Trideum Foundation. I'm truly sorry.

I realize this is starting to sound like a eulogy, but in reality, I want this to be just the opposite. I want this to be the re-birth of me.

I could go on and on with lists of reasons and even "excuses". But, I'm not sure I truly understand what has happened to me over the last 6 months (and that kinda scares me). There is not one thing I can put my finger on to answer why I've gone so far backwards. I could say it is learning that we are expecting. And while I do believe that has played a factor (along with some other things that came with it), it came along after the slide started.

As I said in my last post, I've been experiencing more of those "painful" moments, both physically and emotionally, that come with being my size. One of the most painful moments happened this last Saturday night while at my sister's house.

It all started with a Wii....Wii Fit that is. The Wii Balance Board has a posted weight limit of 330 pounds, but that didn't stop me from buying one Saturday (it actually serves as additional motivation now). But I did find out that I could sit on the board and play some of the games (and many of the games are MUCH easier sitting down).

My sister has had Wii Fit since it came out over a month ago and her husband and kids all take their turn. The thought of watching my BIL do the Warrior Yoga pose was too much to pass up so we went over to their house to Wii. Everyone had their turn and the kids were put to bed. I mentioned that I could do some of the games sitting down, so I proceeded to set all kinds of high scores (I said it was easier sitting down...except for Ski Jumping). While I was playing one of the games, one of the kids came into the room and started asking why I was sitting on the board. That was awkward enough, but it was his "he's going to destroy it" comment that stung.

It has been 15-20 years since I have verbally heard a comment like that (not that it hasn't been said, but I didn't hear it). Looking back, I've been amazed at the effort I have put into sheltering myself from "pain" (like not posting on this blog).

I hesitate to say much about what I hope to do in the coming days and weeks. Not that I don't plan to do anything. Just the opposite, I want to get back to where I was and continue to my goals. But, too many times have I talked without action. I talked about what I "will" do or want to do. I want to talk about what I HAVE done.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I just couldn't go any longer with this on my heart.

Till Next Time.... it's time to get MOVING FORWARD!!!

The Shakes....Why Does It Have To Be The Shakes?!

Quick...name that movie!

Days like today are what makes coming out of funk sooooo much harder. However, there were a couple things today that make it easier.

I'll start with the easier part....
Each of us have things "attached" to being overweight. Things like, not being able to shop for clothes in a non Big & Tall store; getting out of breath even doing the simplest things...you get the idea. To some degree these things are motivators. But after a season of not experiencing some of these things, I'm back to a point where some are creeping back in. This morning I had two of these moments with 5 minutes of each other. The first came in getting dressed. I was getting annoyed while buckling my belt. Not that it was too tight, but that there was "something" in the way. Then while tying my shoes, I experienced a pain in my stomach that I hadn't felt in about a year. Specifically, this pain was a loud wake up call. It was as if God was saying "now, do you remember why you started this?" POINT TAKEN!!!!

Now for the harder part....
With the events of this morning, I was determined to eat right today. I had my bar for "breakfast" and was off to a good start. Normally the first trial comes at lunch time. For me my weakness is Chinese...specifically Chinese Kitchen. It's close by work and it's cheap...real cheap. I've had my Kashi frozen dinners in the freezer at work so I've never had an excuse to go out....but I did. Today, I didn't go out and I ate my Kashi. So far, so good.

Not long after lunch is when it normally gets the hardest. When I am eating like I should, I'm eating something about every 3 hours....bar around 8-9...lunch 11-noon....bar at 3....dinner around 6. However, when I eat the big lunches (Chinese) it throws everything off. Not that I don't feel like eating something for the rest of the day...almost just the opposite. Sometime mid afternoon I start wanting something to eat. More specifically, something sweet. In comes the snack machine! Since I normally get the sweets after a big lunch I knew they would come full force after a Kashi. I was doing fine until I was walking down the hall and heard someone get something from the snack machine. Then I started getting the shakes. I was determined to eat right today, but my mind with it's habits and desires ingrained was also determined....to put up a fight. I wanted so much to get something, but I knew I couldn't....I just walked away.

As I looked at the clock I realised that it was about time to eat anyway. But, I was going to do it the right way. So, I had one of my Zone bars. Again...so far, so good.

The next challenge comes at dinner. Oh, the challenges of dinner!!!

Till Next Time...Keep Moving Forward!!!

He's Alive...And That's Not All...

Yep....it's been 73 days since I lasted posted....and even worse....exactly 90 days since I last exercised. I say that to simply say that I've slacked off and taken several steps backwards. But, for this post, that's all I'm going to say about what I have or haven't done.

Some 32 years ago, around 7:00am on a Saturday morning, I made my grand entrance into this world. Yep, that's right, today is my Birthday. I'm not big on birthdays, especially my own, so on to other matters.

Some 75 days ago, January 26th, (yep, BEFORE my last post) my wife surprised me with this...


Yep! You guessed it we're expecting!! There's a little Disney Geek on the way!

Here's the first ultrasound from February 25th.


I still think I see either some Mickey ears or a Hidden Mickey in there somewhere!!

Our little Geek's due date is September 29th. So, Magic Meets is out, MouseFest is a probably not, but the 1/2 marathon is still on!

Melanie is into the 2nd trimester now and we heard the heartbeat a couple weeks ago. Several people we have told have asked us if this was a surprise. Well....yes and no. No, in the sense that we have been through 4+ years of doctors visits, tests, procedures and on the verge of spending several thousand dollars on in vetro. However, it was very much a surprise in that we had taken an almost 2 year break from the tests and procedures with the doctors and were not necessarily trying to conceive. So, needless to say we were both quite shocked and surprised to see those 2 blue lines after all we have been through.

As you can imagine, it's been a crazy last couple of months. But not nearly as crazy as what is to come!!!

Till Next Time...Keep Moving Forward!!!

Monday Update - 28 JAN 2008

309.5

Ok. Ok. I know this "Monday Update" is being posted on Friday, but the weight is from Monday.

The last 2 weeks have been very busy work wise. I have been meaning to post but just have not had the chance from work and haven't felt like getting on the computer when I get home.

Weight wise, I made some progress last week. It was all based on eating. And to this point, if there is progess to be shown next Monday, it will be all based on eating. The schedule I've "adopted" recently has left me with no time to exercise. And before you go on about making time to exercise, I'm not saying my schedule is an excuse. My schedule is a result of bad decisions that have put me at a point where I have no time to exercise. Now, time to fix it.

Till Next Time...Keep Moving Forward!!!

Monday Update - 21 JAN 2008

312.0

Yep, "up" another pound over the last 2 weeks. But, to me 1 pound is not enough to worry about. Even if were higher, I'm choosing to take a completely different approach from now on. I'm choosing to not let my past "failures" get me down. This is something that I've struggled with for over 30 years. I've allowed myself to dwell on past failures that, in turn, has served as a guide to future failures. The power of thought is remarkable!! "You are who you think you are!!" Thank about that for a minute.

I'm Registered!! Yep, I'm now officially a part of the 2009 WDW 1/2 Marathon. When the time comes, I'll probably sign up for the 5k as well.

As I said on Friday, the hard part right now is breaking my bad habits. Then to add insult to injury, I've come down with some type of light cold or congestion. But, I can't let that stop me! I must Keep Moving Forward!!

Till Next Time...Keep Moving Forward!!!

Back in the Saddle?

As I said in my last, abbreviated post, going down for Marathon Weekend was just the thing I needed. It helped to remind me of what it is I'm trying to do. I also want to thank each and every one of you for your comments lately. Each one of you has provided me with encouragement to keep going. THANKS!!!

There is one thing I do want to make clear... my being "down" over the past few weeks has NOTHING to do with how I've eaten or exercised. My eating and exercising have suffered as A RESULT of me being down for other personal reasons. However, I do understand (as Rae said) the connection that exercising has to help our "down" times.

Now, time to move on! My experience last Saturday morning was a special moment for me (and I wasn't running). I was one of the first people to enter the Magic Kingdom. To stand on Main Street with the Castle lit and the running area roped off, led me to think about 2009. Next year, I will be on the other side of that rope. For some reason, the monorail ride to Epcot really got to me. I guess it was watching the sea of people heading south on World Dr. and again thinking about 2009. Then, finally, I made it to my vantage point in Epcot. I was beside Spaceship Earth just before the course heads backstage for the final .2 mi. I was able to see perfectly. I saw pain. I saw happiness. I saw perseverance. I saw myself. I saw myself in others that ran by, and I saw myself in 2009. It was at this point that I was ready. I am ready to get that medal. Not for the medal itself, but for what you have to do to get it.

The hard part now is overcoming the habits I've re-learned over the past month. To me, it is now enough of the talking and time for some action. The first action will be me registering for the 2009 WDW 1/2 Marathon. Then, I've got to get back to the basics and do what I know works, and do it well, and do it repeatedly. Only then will I see the results I've been looking for.

Till Next Time...Keep Moving Forward!!!

First Thoughts from Marathon Weekend

I'll post much more later, posting this from the BlackBerry. But, to answer whether or not this trip would be the best or worst thing for me. One word....BEST!!

The 5k was ok. I didn't get swept, not even close, and my time was not what I wanted. But, in the end, I don't care about my time. I enjoyed myself too much to worry about my time.

Till Next Time...KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!!